The “Shut Your S**t Tour 2011” is well underway, and by all accounts it’s been a MASSIVE success thus far. In just the first five days we’ve seen new cities, explored new restaurants, built a tower out of creamer packets and seen a grown man cry. And some of the best shows are yet to come. Here’s a recap of the first few days of the “Trying To Break Even Tour 2011.”
We passed through the 7th circle of hell (Gary, Indiana) on our way to Indianapolis, Indiana, for a show at Melody Inn with Indiana rockers Verdant Vera and 28 North from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. A rowdy show ended with a headlining set by The Noise FM and the debut of a new tune temporarily titled “New Rock Song.”
On a scale of 1 to 5 toilet paper rolls (with 1 being the inside of a filled septic tank and 5 being a bathroom at the Taj Mahal, or at least a Barnes & Noble), the restroom at Melody Inn clocked in at a respectable 3 toilet paper rolls. You’ll find puddles of urine on the floor, but that’s par for the course at a rock venue. There was a definite smell of Clorox in the air indicating that the toilets had indeed been cleaned at least once within the previous month.
The fellas in Verdant Vera put us up for the night, but not before a 3am stop by Denny’s. Even by Denny’s minimal standards, it was pretty bad food.
In what might prove to be the most regrettable decision of the tour, we found ourselves in Champaign, Illinois, with an entire afternoon to kill. When we find ourselves with too much free time, bad decisions are made, and we ended up in a matinee screening of Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon 3D. Of the movie, Austin called it a “turd sandwich” and found it highly unlikely that alien robots would bleed what appears to be human blood when injured. Everything else was pretty realistic. When Oliver was asked his opinion of the movie, he too called it a “turd sandwich” without knowing that was Austin’s exact review as well. Great mind thinks alike.
We performed with our good friends in That’s No Moon at Cowboy Monkey, a fantastic venue with good food, a wide selection of drinks, a knowledgeable bar staff, and the single most foul smelling bathroom we’ve encountered. We give the restroom at Cowboy Monkey 2 toilet paper rolls in our review, but only because of it’s overall clean appearance. Honestly, it’s immaculate. Clean stools and pristine white walls and sink. But my god, the smell. There is a dead animal buried under the floorboards and it’s soaking in a coffin of sulfur.
The night ended late with an impromptu free style rap session with the boys of That’s No Moon interrupted only by brief matches of Mortal Kombat. Success!
The “Taco Bell: Hard On Your Stomach, Easy On Your Wallet Tour 2011” made a homecoming stop at the Riot Room in Kansas City, Missouri. En route to the show, Austin watched the latest Jason Statham flick “The Mechanic,” which he called a “turd sandwich.”
Without a doubt this show will go down in our memory as one of the most enjoyable concerts we’ve ever played. In all sincerity, it was amazing to see so many great friends, many who drove quite a distance to attend. The Riot Room was packed to the brim from the time our friends in Quiet Corral kicked off the night. We met up with our tour mates The Photo Atlas and they played a rocking set of dance-punk tunes, followed by our friends in We Are Voices.
The Riot Room earns 1.5 toilet papers rolls in our review. We’re pretty sure the bathroom has a floor, but we couldn’t find it beneath the crumpled paper towels and urine. If you find yourself in the unenviable position of having to use the Riot Room restroom, may we suggest wearing water skis and a pair of goggles?
We topped the night off with a 2am stop at Chubby’s Diner along with The Photo Atlas. Late night greasy diners are never a wise decision, and surprisingly, the vegetarian menu is pretty limited at ol’ Chubby’s.
With The Photo Atlas and a group of our closest friends, we dined on lunch at a little gem known as Terrebonne in Lawrence, Kansas. Pulled Pork Po’ Boys all around. It’s delicious food, but it sits heavy, and our drive to Lincoln, Nebraska, was made all the longer because of it.
The Bourbon Theatre played host to Day 4’s tour stop with Photo Atlas, and Landing on the Moon and Dirty Talker rounded out the bill. Bourbon Theatre, can we just say that your bathrooms are fantastic? 5 toilet paper rolls. Beautiful faux-marbling, spotless mirrors, sinks and floors, and spacious enough to house a NASA space shuttle.
Prior to the show we found ourselves in attendance at an Ultimate Fighting Cage Match tournament just outside of the venue. The announcer for the event kicked off the show with a solemn plea for everyone in the audience to “Thank every man and woman you see who has served and continues to serve in our armed forces and military,” he continued, his voice raising, “because they fought for our freedom to drink alcohol and see people punch each other in the face!” Sure enough, as the crowd roared, the cage match began and men did indeed begin to punch each other in the face.